Rethinking Safety, Stress, and Healing
When I was recovering from chronic back pain, as I started finding evidence that emotional aspects were contributing to it, and that it was not structural (or at least not entirely), as I'd believed for years, I found myself feeling really upset and threatened whenever my husband would start a difficult conversation.
I was angry because he wasn't cooperating with my healing. Did he not know that I needed to have a peaceful life, free of worries and challenging conversations (and the emotions that ensued) in order to heal?
I was also trying to control everything else happening in my life to avoid stress, because I was seeing the connection between stress and my pain.
Sound familiar in any way?
The Misunderstanding About Safety
One of the sticky aspects of mindbody healing, as we start learning about the science of stress physiology and the importance of safety to promote nervous system regulation, is coming to the (mistaken) conclusion that we need to avoid any and all sources of stress, i.e. anything and everything that triggers our symptoms, and that anything short of achieving a permanent parasympathetic/relaxation will endanger our healing.
Some threads that play into this…
We humans have a tendency to think in absolutes and binaries. When we hear about safety, we then conclude that we need absolute safety. This is not only unhelpful, but actually limits what's possible for us. When we take risks aligned with our purpose and what matters to us, and we deepen our trust in our ability to handle what arises, we make room for growth, authentic connection, and fully inhabiting our liveliness.
Our brain has already rehearsed fearful thinking patterns, so the fear of symptoms morphs into, and gets entangled with, a fear of "negative" emotions, a fear of stress, a fear of anything that our nervous system can interpret as dangerous. Over time, this creates a feedback loop that reinforces avoidance and tensions and gets in the way of healing. The invitation is not to get rid of fear, but to notice the fear, make space for it, and let curiosity and compassion accompany it.
We often conflate safety with comfort, and sensitivity with fragility. The truth is, we can cultivate a more expansive sense of inner safety when we grow our capacity to stay present with what arises, including discomfort, and we don't need to shut down or get overprotective, because sensitivity is a finely tuned awareness that helps us respond more keenly to life and other beings.
Some Invitations for You
See if you can open up to richer narratives that invite and honor the way in which you can honor your courage, grit, strength, resilience, and curiosity.
Notice what changes when you shift from trying to control everything around you to procure absolute safety from external circumstances to offering yourself the kind of presence and gentleness that allows for a greater sense of inner safety.
Take a risk, however small, that's aligned with love, purpose, vitality, and what you want to cultivate in your life. You've got this.
Rethink stress as something that's natural, a necessary part of life and healing.
Lean into that difficult conversation that will open the way for more authentic connection.
Make intentional space for rest and recovery, perhaps starting with short pauses throughout the day to rest your awareness on your breath or something that's pleasant, comforting, or familiar.
As always, I hope something here sparks curiosity or kindles new possibilities for you. I’d love to hear what resonated, just reach out.
If you'd like my support to lean into these shifts, book your Wayfinding Session.
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The Enchanted Loom is a metaphor for the awakening brain by pioneering neuroscientist Charles Sherrington. You can learn more about how I came to this name for my newsletter here.