“I’m Not Good at Healing”: Learning to Steer with Kindness
One thing I hear, time and again, from so many of the people I work with, is "I'm not good at healing", or some variation, like "I'm too far gone", or "This may work for others, but it won't work for me".
A Conversation That Ignited Something
A couple of days ago, I had a conversation with my mom, and she shared something that spoke to me about cultivating a different relationship with our healing process, and with the obstacles or potholes we encounter along the way.
The context for the conversation was me sharing my frustration that the service with recipes and ingredients in a weekly box that I'd been enjoying was no longer an option for me. The boxes were great, but the delivery process was so cumbersome that it was really defeating the purpose of simplifying food prep. I needed to figure out a new process for homemade meals on a weekly basis, and it was feeling really challenging. My mom said she was sorry, and then she said she was curious about what new and nourishing possibilities this change would open the door for. I was still in a complaining mode, and then she then shared something that made me laugh and inspired me.
Potholes Along the Way
She shared how, when she drives, she often gets distracted by her surroundings, and this has meant falling into many potholes. My mom lives in Mexico City, where potholes in the roads are aplenty. This means both she and Fabrizio, her car, get jolted, and Fabrizio's feet/tires, suffer.
Side note: her car is named Fabrizio just because, which delights me to no end.
OK, back to the story. Because she cares about Fabrizio, she wants to pay as much attention as she can to the road, and avoid as many potholes as she can. When she is attentive and avoids one, she connects with gratitude and celebrates the win with Fabrizio. When she finds that they've fallen into one, she says to Fabrizio: "I'm so sorry we fell this time, let's take it easy, and re-commit to paying attention. And perhaps there is something to learn here that we can get curious about."
Changing Old Habits and Leaning Into Joy and Curiosity
The next morning I was still thinking of this, and about what a great analogy it is to our healing process, changing old habits for ones that better serve us, and opening us up to a kinder and more joyful relationship with self-care.
I asked my mom if I could share this story with my people. She said yes, and here's what she wrote (translated from Spanish by me): "I'm so excited you've asked! For this cycle [her 70th birthday is tomorrow], I want to do my best to avoid potholes, have fun, laugh, and be grateful when I can. And when I fall in one, to be mindful of the hidden message I might discover."
Learning New Skills, Weaving New Neural Pathways: The Healing Is In the Return
My own healing journey, and that of so many people I have worked with, very much resembles driving on a road with plenty of potholes.
Encountering them is inevitable, because life is messy and seldomly smooth. And living in a human body is challenging.
Our attention will drift, and we'll find ourselves on autopilot, and we can intentionally lean into practices to cultivate awareness, kindness, and curiosity.
When we fall into a pothole, we might be tempted to take it as evidence of "I'm no good at this". We might compare ourselves with other people who seem to be better drivers, or better at healing. We might get sucked into a spiral of shame, judgment, and despair.
And we can pause, regroup, invite an understanding that it is only natural and human, and support ourselves in trying again, purposefully, from a place of lovingkindness, compassion, curiosity, openness.
This is a skill we learn. If we don't yet have it yet, it doesn't mean that we are defective, broken, or hopeless. It doesn't mean we are essentially not good at healing. It just means we get to practice, time and again. Like one of my dear teachers, Sharon Salzberg, says: "The healing is in the return."
Responding With and From Care
I was sharing this with a mentor yesterday, and she highlighted how, when she heard this story, she could feel into the difference of responding to Fabrizio (or whatever anyone's car's name is) and our bodies, from a place of care. Noticing how, when Fabrizio's feet hurt because he fell in a pothole, the response is "I'm sorry it hurts, I'm sorry we fell again, and we can try again," instead of getting angry and berating Fabrizio, or ourselves as drivers, or our bodies, for hurting again, for falling into old habits, for the reactivation of neural networks that are well trodden, as we weave new ones in support of wellbeing and freedom.
If something here resonates with you, and you'd like to receive support with what you want to lean into and grow, you're warmly invited to schedule a Wayfinding Session, a spacious, no-pressure conversation to explore where you are, what’s feeling tender or stuck, and how I might support you.
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